SPIDER WEBS
Spider webs are fascinating. They come in many shapes and structural designs. They can be beautiful, supportive, strongly connected, and yet look like works of art. They can also be messy, unstructured, destructive, and trap unsuspecting strangers in their undisciplined web.
Families are similar to spider webs. Most are strongly connected, supportive and provide a network for each other, but there are a few who are so unstructured they fall apart easily and pull their members into the web.
I thought of this analogy one day when Donnie was sent to my office. He was a wiry first-grader with dark brown hair and penetrating dark eyes who frequently had a scowl on his face. He didn’t listen to adults well, didn’t like being sent to the office, and was very quick to let us know his displeasure.
“I don’t know why I’m here, I didn’t strangle that girl.”
“Well. Then tell me what did happen.”
“I just put my hands on her neck to scare her because she kept running into our game. I wasn’t going to hurt her.”
This was not the first time Donnie and I had conversations about his behavior. It had been a regular occurrence since kindergarten. In this situation I contacted his father to let him know what happened and made an arrangement with Donnie that for the next week he would help me and/or the custodian at recess.
Donnie’s parents divorced just before he entered kindergarten. It was a contentious divorce and I had just learned that three months ago Donnie’s father had obtained custody of the children; Donnie, his 8-year-old sister and 13-year-old brother. I know how hard it is in California for a father to get full custody, so I wondered what had happened. Donnie’s web had changed dramatically and it was constantly vibrating.
One of the vibrations heard around the soccer field was that Donnie’s father was in a year-long relationship with a woman who had two children at our school: a son in fourth grade and a daughter in second grade. According to the rumors, the two of them had recently moved in together with all five kids.
To complicate matters further, I also learned that last spring a Child Protective Services (CPS) report was filed charging the fourth-grade boy with sexually abusing Donnie. By the time we learned of this the case had already been closed. We don’t know what the findings were, if there were charges, or if the accusation was unfounded.
Donnie’s spider web was sticky and tangled. What could we do to help get it untangled? We needed to support him. I went to find Andrea Ogden, our school psychologist.
“Andrea, we just had another incident with Donnie Phillips. He put his hands around a girl’s neck. He claims he only did it to scare her.”
“ What are you going to do with him?”
“I told him he would be spending recess either helping me or Rusty. I want him off the yard until we can put some steps in place to support him. He’s hurting.”
“That’s good, I know he is, I think we need to call an emergency SST. We need some counseling support for him and we need to talk with his dad.”
We scheduled a meeting with Donnie’s teacher, the school psychologist, his father, and we invited our district’s Student Services Director to attend, she had many resources who could help Donnie and his family. We were looking for a cadre of folks who could untangle Donnie’s web and stop it from vibrating.
At the meeting Donnie’s father shared his struggles in raising his son as a single dad. We brainstormed together and established a plan of support for Donnie; weekly meetings with the school psychologist, weekly check-ins with the vice principal and, Donnie’s favorite was practicing his new skills by reading to kindergartners on a weekly basis.
STRATEGIES FOR MAKING MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS WITH YOUR STUDENTS!
Here is a compilation of strategies discussed in this book:
✔︎ Pay attention to your Ratio of Interactions (ROI)
ROI means making a conscious effort to interact with a student more frequently when they are doing something appropriate as opposed to when they are doing something inappropriate. A good goal is 3:1: Three positive to 1 negative interaction.
You may need to adjust this ratio up for your more challenging students.
✔︎ Practice the “2 x 10” Strategy
From Christopher Emdin, Author and Educator
First, select a student you are struggling to connect with. Engage that student on any topic for two minutes, then continue having those two-minute conversations about any subject for ten consecutive days. Emdin’s research indicates there is a significant improvement in that student’s behavior.
✔︎ Conduct a Student Strengths Survey
Questions in the survey ask students what they see as their strengths and areas for growth, what are their dreams, etc.
There are many samples of Student Strength Surveys available online, or you can prepare your own.
The information provided can let you into the student’s world and what is important to them.
✔︎ Use the W.A.I.T. Technique
Think to yourself, “Why Am I Talking, Should I be listening instead?”
✔︎ Ask Students if Your Teaching Strategies are Working
When you try a new technique, ask your students how it worked for them as learners. Did it help them access content? Did it help them analyze the material you presented and make sense of it? Elicit their voice in the teaching strategies you use. Then implement your student’s ideas into your instruction.
✔︎ Provide Multiple Opportunities for Learning
Provide multiple opportunities for students to share their perspectives. Not all students want to speak up in class, while others could easily monopolize the entire conversation.
Have students turn to a partner and express their ideas, after hearing a presentation this allows all to verbalize their thoughts, not just those who raise their hands and are called on.
Have students respond in writing to a particular lesson. For some, writing can be a powerful way to put forth their ideas in a less public way than speaking.
Provide opportunities for them to do research when they want to learn more about something or someone.
✔︎ Encourage Students to Learn from Their Mistakes
We all can learn from our mistakes. Helping students embrace their mistakes and understand them provides a wonderful opportunity for learning.
YET is a very tiny word but it packs a powerful punch!!!!! Think about the impact of these two different sentences….
“You can’t do that.” OR “You can’t do that, YET!”
✔︎ Express Emotional Neutrality
Our responses to challenging behaviors can be more effective if we are able to express emotional neutrality when implementing discipline. Emotional neutrality is about not taking the behavior personally. It involves understanding that although the behavior that is taking place may involve us, it is often about much more than just us, especially if the student has a history of trauma. If we can depersonalize these negative “experiences and try to understand better where the student is coming from, we can start to move forward in helping them change negative behaviors.
✔︎ Leave Sarcasm at Home
You don’t know how a student will interpret your attempt at humor.
✔︎ Remember You Are a Role Model
Educators are role models, whether we realize it or not. Students look up to their teachers and watch carefully how they handle situations.
RESOURCES AND REFERENCES
- 2 x 10 Strategy, Chris Emdin, Author and Professor at USC
- Peter Johnston, Choice Words, (Routledge; 1st edition,2004)
- Zaretta Hammond, Culturally Responsive Teaching and the Brain, (Corwin; 1st edition, 2014)
- Dweck, Carol S, Ph.D., Mindset, (Ballantine Books, Updated Edition, 2007)
- Denton, Paula, The Power of Our Words, (Responsive Classroom; 2nd Revised edition,2013)
- Poulson, Simon, Ph.D., A Fine Balance: The Magic Ratio to a Healthy Relationship, (Purdue University)
- Kaufman, Trynia, MS., Building Positive Relationships with Students: What Brain Science Says, (Understood.org)
- Leadership: Association of California School Administrators, From Gatekeeper to Ally, (May-June 2023)
- Coughlin, C., Resnick, J., & Sprick, J., Leadership: Association of California School Administrators, Harnessing the Power of a Positive Ratio of Interactions (ROI Concept), (January-February 2024)
- Delizonna, Laura, High Performing Teams Need Psychological Safety, (Harvard Business Review August 2017)
- Platinsky, Miriam, How a Welcoming Classroom Can Help Decrease Absenteeism, (Edutopia, September 2023)
- Ferlazzo, Larry, Response: Building Relationships with Students is the Most Important Thing a Teacher Can Do, (Education Week, October 2018)
- Ed Trust and MDRC, The Importance of Strong Relationships Between Teachers and Students, (The Education Trust, March 2021)
- The Optimum Context for Learning: Drawing on Neuroscience to Inform Best Practices in the Classroom, (Educational and Child Psychology)”